I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
