just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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