I met the friendliest cop last night
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
