So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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