nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
