I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
