I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
