Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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