Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
