I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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