I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I can't put those talents on a resume
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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