I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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