I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
