Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
