i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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