You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
