No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
