Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
