i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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