nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
