yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
