You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
