I think I died a long time ago.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
