Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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