she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
