wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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