I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
