How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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