forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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