so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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