i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
