I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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