yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
