my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
