Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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