i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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