You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
