sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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