mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
