i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
whose parrot is this?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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