People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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