I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
