she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
