I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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