Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
