you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
