You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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