He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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