In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
