Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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